fear

There’s a ROOT.

Tonight in Community Policing.

I didn’t want to go to class tonight, but it’s the last one of the semester.  I knew that Baltimore would come up because every time someone gets shot by the police or there is an injustice we usually go over what happened and what the issues are (not just the high profile cases).  My professor used to be the chief of police of a department that he says had a lot of racial tension, and he made every effort possible to fix that…and was successful.  So, here I am sitting in the front row as usual…and I’m randomly picked to read a slide about the Kansas City Preventive Patrol (this was one of the efforts to bring the community closer to police departments  after riots in the 1960’s).  I read the slide, and he says this was a result of the riots of the 60’s…what do you think will come of the riots of the 2015’s (lol)?

I cringe inside, because I have made up in my mind at this point that I don’t want to talk about Baltimore yet.  I had came up with a creative way to address my feelings about it and it’s not complete.  This is a class where normally shootings are blamed on the person who was shot because “if you don’t run, you don’t get shot,” or “if you just do what you’re asked you won’t get shot,” or “if you aren’t looking like a suspect, you won’t get shot,” or in the case of Baltimore “if he wasn’t doing something wrong, he wouldn’t have gotten arrested to die in jail in the first place.” Get the point?

In this same class about a month ago, media and the police were talking.  Someone says “The media fuels the fire..it all started with that Trayvon Martin kid.  If the media didn’t talk about it, it wouldn’t be an issue.”  *Blank Stare* I say, “It didn’t start with Trayvon Martin.”

So today…I said “What will come from the riots in Baltimore? I feel that the city officials need to LISTEN.  The rioters are saying something, and their frustration is not driven by this single incident, it is frustration that has a deep foundation with layers to it.”  *Crickets*

My professor to my surprise says: “Absolutely!”

Here’s my position, what I can put into words any way. HISTORY is fueling this fire.  I’m in the process of looking up history from a biblical foundation because I’m writing a poem about it, but for this piece let’s just look at the history of America.

You have slavery, the first form of policing in America being that of SLAVE patrols.   Fast forward, you free slaves and declare segregation unconstitutional, but some of these people still have prejudice attitudes towards Blacks.   Now you have police officers who are policing communities with people they don’t necessarily care for populating them.  Then you have the reform era of policing that’s trying to break the tension between the police and blacks in neighborhoods…but now there is a HISTORY of bad relationship and communication between police and Blacks. Just like stereotypes of black people have been passed down, stereotypes of police officers have been passed down.  However, that doesn’t mean that all cops are bad, and that all black people are bad.

My point: There is a ROOT to the issue of rioting.  Let’s not just look at the result, but what caused that end result. You can’t just cut a branch off and expect a tree to fall.

Prayer: Has to be done from the root.

Justice: Has to be done from the root.

Restoration: Has to be done from the root.

This might end up sounding like rambling, but I just had to get SOMETHING out.

(For a look at a more constructive look into what I think, take a look at my post on Eric Garner, and Mike Brown, and Tamir Rice, and Trayvon Martin, and many others here….  https://peaceofmyheartandmind.wordpress.com/2014/11/29/too-much/

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Alarmed!

My dad was firefighter, and sometimes it was annoying to be honest.  EVERYTHING was a fire hazard lol! It seemed like everything that I had plugged in was going to start a fire.  I was OBSESSED with B2K in high school, so naturally i had posters on all four walls and on the ceiling too…and of course, that was a fire hazard.  Even with the annoyance of not being able to use lighters and matches until I was GROWN (literally), there was a certain comfort in knowing that if something were to happen I had somewhat of a superhero downstairs that would come to save me.

There was one instance where my dad actually fell asleep while he was cooking something (who’s the fire hazard now? Just kidding), but seriously the smoke detector went off, the firetrucks came and i had slept through it all.  The next morning, my dad told me what happened and it didn’t really come off as a big deal to me, and still doesn’t.  There wasn’t a real fire, and even if there was I knew that my father would have came looking for me.

Sometimes in life we have alarms that go off that are loud and obnoxious! The types of alarms that I’m speaking of specifically can be situations that are telling you to panic, or things that you’ve entrusted to God in faith that he will handle yet your flesh is alarming you that it hasn’t happened yet.  So you go into a sense of panic because you are alarmed, and that’s natural because we are human.  However, know that you have a father that will take care of everything as you rest.

****Please do not ignore smoke detectors in real life****

FEEL Your Way Around, and Keep Going!

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This will probably be one of my most transparent posts.  Last night I had a dream.  I had a dream where I basically relived my fathers death in present day.  I’m not sure if the dream means anything yet, but when I woke up I was messed up emotionally.  To relive the worst day of my life was heart wrenching and tormenting.

I got up. (That says a lot right there, but I’ll explain later.) I got up, got dressed and went to class.  I ran a lot of errands and during my last errand i stopped at my old job to return something.  A lot of my old co-workers were saying that I looked happy, and that I looked great! I got in the car, got something to eat, and drove to my next class.  I could feel the anxiety and the weight trying to sneak up on me. I pulled into the parking lot and tears began to flow, on the brink of an anxiety attack I simply said, “No.” During the duration of the day, I texted a friend and told her how much that dream messed me up, and she said all that she could say: “think on other things.” While this statement would’ve angered me five years ago, I simply accepted that this was all there was to offer.

You can’t EXPECT direction from someone who has not been to the location.

I posted in a group I was added to a while ago by a friend that also lost her father, before I even got a response I felt better.

I walked you through my day for this reason:

5 years ago I would have stayed in bed, 5 years ago I would have suppressed the pain, 5 years ago I would have became angry because NO ONE knew the answer, 5 years ago I wouldn’t have sought wise counsel from someone who had been in the same situation, and 5 years ago I would have felt alone because of all of the above.

Today I got up, today I expressed how I felt, today I knew that I could not expect things from people that hadn’t been in that situation, today I sought wise counsel from people that had been in my shoes, today I KNEW that I was not alone.

Feeling down about something? Don’t beat yourself up, keep progressing, find out who’s been through similar situations, KNOW that God will NEVER leave you, you’re never alone.

Most of all, FEEL!!! Your feelings are REAL. If you do not address them and choose to suppress them, they WILL resurface.  FEEL and try your hardest to keep going! I felt today, I ran into a bump…but I kept going.